Reality Show

if reality was as dramatic as reality shows

we wouldn't watch them.

And sometimes I feel like if a camara started following me around

people would never watch my show.

However,

other times I feel as though my life

could be creatively written into a soap opera.

Or a remake of Hamlet...

the "to be or not to be; that is the question" part

not the my Uncle is taking my thrown

and killed my father

and is trying to kill me

seeing the ghost of my murdered father part.

Is that the right plot?

who cares?

not me...

No DRAMA!

cut the crap

say it straight

be straight up...

NO DRAMA!

2009

As this year comes to an end I've had some time to look back and remember what happened over this long long year. And although there have been bad times for the majority the year has been great.

My new years was spent with good friends, and I believe my new years resolution was to loose weight. That one is a continued resolution every year. My other resolution was to find love. That one caused most of the drama in my life. Love is a wonderful thing that creates dimensions in life and allow for learning and happiness as well as an ocean of pain.

I found Clay again. A great friends a great boyfriend. Perfection in essence and in reality just one love. Head over heals in love until I tumbled down the hill into the mud. I screwed that one up again. I'm beginning to wonder if even with all the effort in the world if we could make it work. Maybe again, probably not. It's nice to dream.

I graduated from high school. Made it through a year of hell. Choir was life and when it ended I let it go. Those four years we're crazy and I am so glad their over.

I started college. Wow is it great. I love learning everything I can about music and I'm well on the way to getting my dream. Only 11 more months of college until I can really have it.

Partying. hahah that's a great subject. I like it a lot. But i know that I have to focus more on college than partying.

I'm dating a new guy now. God is he amazing. Jerry. He makes me laugh, he loves me, he treats me amazing. We've been dating for three months.He's too smart for his own good and he gives me so much crap for my blonde moments but who wouldn't. I miss him so much right now. I can't believe I'm not with him. It's weird.

I hope next year is better. Second semesters of school seem like they always bring hard times. A year of love, life, partying, school, and the ever closer dream.



Quote of the year;
"Keep moving forward."
Song of the year;
Another Heart Calls- All American Rejects
Inside joke of the year;
Bloop (consecutive winner)


So many things have changed in only five months. I wonder what the next 12 months have to bring. Guess I'll start seeing :)

Fucked Up

How can life be so fucked up when it come to you,
and so perfect when it come to him?

You make my life hell some times,
but i'll never blame you.

We're perfect in essence,
and reality shows us we're destined to always cross paths.

You'll always be there,
I'll always know you,
we'll always be us.

1st Semester of College

This semester has been crazy!!!
It was my first in college,
my first outta the house,
my first doing what ever i want.

And it was amazing!
The first month was really rocky with a break up and drama and getting used to school. But by the second life was running real smooth.

Learning everything I can about music was amazing too.
All my classes were crazy cool and exciting. And just so fun.

Relationships were crazy. I started off with a great friend and a great boyfriend, change that friend to another amazingly cool friend and ended with my amazing boyfriend.

Now it's Christmas break and i'm ready for next semester to start... after a little down time.

:)

This is why...

This is why we're not good for each other...

because we'll always be in separate stages of life...
we'll always love each other to much for our own goods...
we'll never find a way to make it work apart...
we'll always have each other and never know how to get rid of each other...
we'll always remember the feelings we got when we saw each other for the "first" time...
we'll never forget how we feel together...
we'll always try to find someone to fit into the holes that were left when it didn't work...
we'll always be jealous...
we'll never fully forget the hurtful things...
we'll always find that we were always better with each other...
and we'll always remember that night when we gave our full selves to each other.

So dysfunctional... and yet it felt so right.


But I have to move on... I can't drag you around like my favorite blanket when I was younger. I have to experience different things... than maybe just maybe we'll find each other like we did two and a half years ago when our lives fit together like a well fitted glove.

sleepy innocence

I happened to wake up this morning next to an amazing sight...
a wonderfully innocent thing.
Actually, more like an allusion of innocence because of the sweet peacefulness of sleep.
Every noticed that sleep alludes to innocence.
The look on their face, the way they look so vulnerable.
I think it's such an attractive sight.
If you can find this innocent thing I recommend taking a picture, because being able to see that all the time is a gift. ;p

head over heals

Have you ever looked up the definition of "head over heals". It's actually quite interest... it means "in disorderly haste". So, falling head over heals, is pretty much falling in love wit someone in a disorderly hasty way. I don't quite like that definition. Does that mean when you fall head over heals your more likely to get hurt because you aren't looking were your falling. Does it mean that your more likely to fall too hard... too fast. How do we know the right amount of speed to fall? Is there even a set speed of falling too fast or too slow? Should there be? Or should we gauge the speed by how fast the other person is falling too. I like that. I think falling head over heals is more like falling for someone at the same speed as the other or at least close. I like that. Because falling disorderly doesn't sound appetizing to me, doesn't sound safe, doesn't sound right.

2 months... that's the falling speed. :)

Deletion

It's weird when you are so connected to someone that the only way to even try to not think about them is to totally delete them from every day life. Phone number, facebook, myspace. That's when you know you really loved them, you really cared about them; when you can't get them out of your mind already so deleting them is the small effort to help you stop thinking of the "what ifs". Yeah... sucks.

Falling is a lot easier when there is a pillow to catch you

If I would have known I could fall so fast again I think I would have tried to slow down. This would be a lot better if I had a pillow to fall on.

Warm and Fuzzy Feeling

So last night I found out that I was so blinded by love when I first came here. I didn't even realize that someone new was noticing me. I now know that I wasn't sloppy seconds... that I was just the unattainable one. hmmm... I got a warm and fuzzy feeling

perfection

The web definition of perfection is: the state of being without a flaw or defect. So how can life ever be perfect. There is always a flaw or defect in life because there is always a flaw and deflect in people. So if my life perfect... not even close!

Days Like Today

Days like today remind me why I love New Mexico, why I love this campus, why I love my friends, and why I miss the others. What a day!

Running from Lions

Get me out of this place, before I cause more damage,
a small price to pay for building houses out of matchsticks;
and when things get too hot, you've got me to blame for,
every fire that breaks out in every lover's name, {so...}

Don't forget, we've got unfinished business,
stories yet to unfold,
tales that must be retold,
and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness,
keeps me wanting,
keeps me wanting more...

Sell me out I'm yesterday's old news,
phrases left on paper,
black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...

Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(Like a deer in the headlights)
Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(I won't know what hit me...)
Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(Like a deer in the headlights)
Running from lions, never felt like such a...
(I won't know what hit me...)

Don't forget, we've got unfinished business,
stories yet to unfold,
tales that must be retold,
and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness,
keeps me wanting,
keeps me wanting more...

Nostalgia

I've never had a day like today. Where you have two totally conflicting emotions because of coincidental occurrence. It's a confusing and weird feeling to be nostalgic and happy in the current place as well. Don't ask me how it happened that I should be nostalgic for a little more than four months ago and totally cool with where I am now, cuz if you asked me I wouldn't be able to tell you... I guess it's the bloody decisions in college that change your life forever. Still don't know if I've made the best, or really stupid decisions... but I hope it's almost time to figure it out.

cocoa puffs

have you ever just eating cocoa puffs and felt like everything was going to be ok? I just did. I had the weird feeling as the first ball of cocoa crispy hit my tongue that today was actually going to be a good day.
I've been struggling with the realization that every decision i make here really does effect my life. If I pick to take this class will it better me as a singer, if i date this guy or that guy, if I do or do not do something. Everything can change the course of my life. Whether I like this uncertainty or not i'm not sure.
I've been trying to rely on my rocks for guidance... Alyssa, my mom, my dad, Isha, Clay. But it seems like there's something missing, and although I know what it is, I still can't seem to let myself fully fall into His arms again. Maybe this is why so many people fall away during college. Because they feel the uncertainty of life and feel like God is not the person to put their trust in. Or maybe because they already fell away and life is just too uncertain to trust again.
All I know, is that the cocoa puffs I had this morning comforted me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Lets just hope the sugar high will allow me to feel unconfused all day. :)

Monday Mornings

I just hate Monday mornings. It's the morning when you wake up and you relive your weekend and you decided you probably should have done more homework or something. Today it was... i probably should have gotten anything at all done. Oh well nothing you can do now except realize you have three days to memorize and perfect a song for Wednesday and write a paper, as well as perfect your Italian on another song which is directly linked to voice placement (if i'm singing correctly). But hey it's college what else can you do from 10-1am?! hahahaha at this point the song I love college comes into mind :)

My feeling for a new name

I changed the name of my blog. I'm not sure what exactly made me change it. But I think I know why it changed from My Cage to Learning to Fly. Because instead of being in "my cage" as in home, I'm "learning to fly" learning to life actually in college life. It's a weird feeling going from feeling couped up to someone set free to do what she pleases... not sure yet if I entirely like it.I guess we'll see what life has in store for this lesson i'm embarking on.

hmmm

it's a time in life where you find who you are...
find who your real friends are...
and the people you can't live without.
You learn how to learn and what you love and how to love what you love.

I'm starting this climb that feels so long...
the mountain is so treturous...
with bumps and rocks and 90 degree angles to climb up.

Changes to be made start now.

All I know is that I am so...

Confused.

I Am Clara!
I have best friends that I love, like Alyssa, Nicci, Isha, Clayton, Jessica, and Miriah.
I can't live with out my parents, my family, Aly, and Clay.
I love music, and teaching people why I love music and how to love it like me.
The climb I started is to a dream that started in 8th grade and has exploded into what it is now.
The mountain is college and those bumbs are the temptations and the life.

I am me.
I am changing.
I am leanring.
I am living.
I am confused.
I am Clara.

heart

While my head continues on, my heart stays behind. To feel the pain of not being in your arms. Not being in your presence. Not feeling your warm touch. My heart aches for our next encounter, but my head says to wait... to look to the future, to remember why we decided to do this. I would love so much to follow my heart, but it's only the part that holds you that yearns to be by you. The part that holds my dreams knows better, my head knows better. I say I love pain when it comes to my body, but when it come to my heart... FUCK PAIN!

I don't know....

I don't know why all of a sudden I love being home. Maybe it's because I know I won't be home for awhile when I leave for college and have just been enjoying sitting around and what not. I'm not sure. All I know, is I feel lame when it's a Friday night and I'm at home watching Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney Channel. Haha Can't wait till college.

RIP my new computer

So very sad. The day after I opened my new computer my mother decided she would tickle me with it on my lap. I squirmed like I always do and CABLAM my hard drive is toast. Good thing the dell guy was nice and stayed on the phone for over an hour to fix it. New hard drive in the mail as we speak. hmmm... I already miss it. :(

My new computer

The minute I got my towel around myself the door bell rang today. I hurried to put on my robe and rushed to the door in anticipation that my computer would be waiting there. Guess what?! It was :D I was so ecstatic I didn't even think about the fact that I answered the door in my robe or that I barley signed the little pad, all I could think about was cracking that baby open and looking at MY new laptop. I ran for the scissors in the kitchen drawer and cut that blasted box open. Pull out the first box inside the box... nothing but disks. It has to be the second box. I pop it open. And there it is. Beautiful, packaged in foam, colorful, and pristine. I caressed it, opened it, um... problem... WHERE'S THE ON BUTTON! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Took me about ten minutes to find the on button is on the hinge of the screen. It was on, plugged into the charger, and on. My computer. I spent the rest of the day on it, getting the hang of it and loving it. I'm so excited!



Isn't it B-E-A-utiful!?!

ugh

i don't even know what to do anymore. I try to understand, try to forget, but all I do is try to hard and get hurt for it. When does this get easier. Maybe this is why people say "no returns". hmmm... i got some thinking to do

I hate

knowning that your sick but not having any idea with what. It's so nerve racking cuz you ahve no idea what kind of medicine to take. But I guess you can just suffer through it and hope that you get better. I hope I feel better by tomorrow.. a three hour car ride feeling like this with my boyfriends parents and best friends would not be cool.

last day

This was my last day in Washington. We shopped. But my gosh i'm going to miss these people. This vacation was so fun and just a great way to kick off the summer. My senoir summer trip with my best friend and great people and no parents. But i'm glad to be going home. I have a lot to get together. The fun is over it's time for life to start again. Goodbye Washington!

working out

So i didn't realize how much i LOVE working out. It's weird not even having the chance to go to the gym cuz i'm on vacation. I feel like a couch potato even though i'm walking a lot in Seattle and surrounding area. Weird how something you thought was such a burden, happens to be one of the things you miss doing when you can't do it.

Washington

I have been in Washington for almost a week now and it is amazing! It's so pretty out here and there's a lot to do even if it's a skip hop and a jump from Seattle. It's just amazing how I can jump in a car drive for twenty minutes be in a different town, jump on a bus, and about an hour later be in Seattle on Union and 3rd. I can go to the space needle, the EMP, the Pacific Science Cetner, Pikes Place, the Aquarium, even the coast. It's just great. I have one more week here and I'm just so excited to see what it has in store for me.

Change

The dictionary definition of change is "To alter; to make different; to cause to pass from one state to another; as, to change the position, character, or appearance of a thing; to change the countenance." My kinda change is dramatic and with out looking back. When I want to change something I jump.


But is this good?



I don't know if I even look before I jump. Do I weigh the consequences, do I think about what the outcome could be?

That's easy... I do to an extent. I like the feel of not knowing exactly what's going to come out of my decision. The mystery is a breath of freshair from the normal life I live. Chalanges are even better.

My point, I love change. So i'm dying my hair and cutting it this week. Also, that I live in normalsy and I strive for nothing more than to be different.

Here's a picture for a hint of my change this time.

Corvette

I've never writen a blog about my favorite car so I figured I would just say what it is. It's this :)

Love is not about who you live with... It's about who you can't live without.

Wow! This week has been the hardest week I've had in a while. Not because of school or choir or anything, but because I was grounded and couldn't see my boyfriend. Not saying I can't live with out him; but that I love being around him and lying in his arms that it was just hard not to be able to do that for a week. Hmm... it's weird what can go through you mind in absents of the person you love.

Punishment

Punishment is a noun that means: the fact of being punished, as for an offense or fault. So, i'm guessing it's either to make me know i'm wrong and learn from it. But is grounding really a non-violent punishment as wikipedia put it. As of now, i'm grounded until further notice, I'll be 18 in two days, I graduate in a week, so is not knowing when i'll be off, violent or just cruel.
Well, while writing this I got off on good behavior. I'M FREE!!!!

Australia

WOW! What a great movie! I love it! Who knew that WWII involved Australia as much as it did... I definitely didn't and I'm obsessed with WWII. If you haven't seen it please do.

Show Fest

WOW! What a day. Filled with ups and downs, happiness and saddness, love and friendship, the feeling of a lifetime, and the realization that it was my last time perfomring with that group of people as that choir. Not only was I SOOOOO proud of them and overwhelmed with joy but it was very bitter sweet. Starting with an incredible honor of being called the official 5th ave mom even though i'm not even a mom at all. After our first performance, for the first time, our choir acutally sat waiting to hear if we made finals or not. Shaking, my heart beating a million miles a minute and holding the hands of my friends our name was called... A HUGE burden lifted off my chest. After being so proud of our scores... 8 and 9 out of 10... we set off to prepair for the finals. Making major changes to our show was crazy to even think about, but we pulled off cutting both black outs. Being as i'm a senoir and president of this choir, it was crazy to get up on stage getting set, and watch as the choir i've grown up in gets ready for it's last performance of the year. I cried... and was conforted with the words of a fellow perfomer... "dont cry, there are many more stages to come." That performance was nothing short of AMAZING! We ended outside the theater and yell at the top of our lungs our chant. After that's finished I just lost it. Balling my eyes out. I felt so proud to have stayed with the choir and stuck it out. So proud of them. So sad to leave. And so happy that any place would have made me excited. Amazingly, we got 2nd runnner up (3rd) which is TOTALLY cool. I'm So proud of my choir, so proud of me, and SOOOO proud to have seen the transformation from a month earlier.


WOW!

I so wish...

So i'm sitting her in my friends dorm just admiring how laid back life would be if I was in college. Too bad I have about four months until I can get to just lie back and than freak out about a test later. Unlike right now with my major senioridis, college will alloy for procrastination, until test days of course. What a life... 19 days!!!

Dances

Dances are ridiculous...
All you do is get dressed up to impress your date and spend hours doing so...
than mess all that work up by sweating all the make-up off and ruining your hair while dancing... but it's not even dancing... it's swaying to the beat... WHAT IS THAT?!
I do not know, but there is only one more dance left of my highschool career and i'm going to make the best of it.

High lights from my high school dances....


Homecoming '08



Winterball '09



Homecoming '06



Prom '08

Keep Moving Forward

One thing I have loved my whole 17 years of life, give or take the few that I wasn't able to actually comprehend, Disney movies have just shaped my world. One of my favorite right now would have to be "Meet The Robinsons"

I Just love the quote that reigns throughout the movie....

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!!

And lately I have tried to keep that as my own quote because the past is the past it's happened and it's gone and you "keep moving forward" all the time. So in the words of Walt Disney....

They are so unprofessional!

This week I decided to put myself out there! I auditioned for the first high school production of "Rent". Thinking that it was going to very professional, I went in there thinking I actually had a chance at a part and was really optimistic. Until the last night of auditions of course!
Sadly, one of the most fun nights of performing, was ruined by a director who thought that lying to the rejected people was the way to do it. He told those of us who didn't get call backs that he didn't even know if their would be call backs and it would be casted by monday... what they didn't tell us was the people who were called back for "mistakes" on their information were the people getting call backs; and went further to the point of telling those said people to lie to other said people about it being a call back. It was acutally "supposedly" a problem on their sheet.
I believe those of us in the rejected group could have all taken the rejected if they had acutally said the truth and treated us like adults. But no they thought of our feeling. Sadly I believe they hurt our feelings more by treating us like children instead of professional perfomers.
Next time I try out for a production I hope at leased the director is a gay guy with a balls!!!!!!!!

Of course after talking to my friend Clay, who like completes me becuase he is the polar opposit that keeps me down to earth, I realized that I don't even want to be in a production that would make me lie to my friends and be so unprofessional. I can take rejection, but do it straight... don't beat around the bush!

Friendship

This whole school year has been filled with loss, rediscovering, and finding that which I did not have. Let me explain; friendship seems to have become a passing thing, something that is not perminant to say the leased, and a possession that can be lost, and found, and re found. Dictionary.com states that a friend is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard". Which is true to the very end, but after the affections and personal regard is gone, all you have is someone attached to you who knows you like the back of their hand and could through a wrench in your life. And soon enough, the other definition of friendship, "a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts", is only 1/3 of what is was before. With knowledge the attracting and trust seems to fall away. So is it that when you get to know someone too well you begin to not like them and than not trust them, or is it that the trust falls away and soon with that the attraction is gone? All I know is that there are those friends who think you are so close too you could tell them anything and than the friendship falls apart because of lack of trust, and those that you trust right off the bat and your friendship grows until you don't care about how close you are, your just close.
Oh and than those that say their your friend and talk behind your back about you constantly because they know you so well. I have lots of those. I don't like it. I really liked the definition urban dictionary.com said a back stabber was; "someone who pretends to be your friend; but talks s**t about you to other people". Exactly, so is it inevitable that a close friend who knows you so well will become a back stabber. Seems that way to me.
I am a very trusting person, so it's known that i will be back stabbed sometime in my life, right now I'm thinking it's going to end in high school, but I know that some people don't grow out of the cattiness of high school. I'm looking forward to those times that you can just count on someone backstabbing you instead of thinking its going to happen.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, but that's how I feel. Friendship is not a constant thing, it's a once in a lifetime chance to make a unbreakable connection with someone. The only thing that can destroy it, is trying to fit into a crowd that you probably shouldn't be in if they don't except you already.