learning to love

You know what I think is great about learning how to fly... and learning how to live... is that along the way you learn what life really is... or what love should be in this case.

I thought I knew what love was once, and really it was just the beginning, and if I would have been strong enough to keep it going, it could have been great. And when I realized that I lost what could have been, I tried to replace it with something that deep down I knew could never be. And in the end, all it did was postpone the getting over process. I guess that's what a rebound is... isn't it. Just a cover up. A farce. A lie to get you through the loneliness. But when it comes time that that cover up runs out of cover, and your left with the guts of the situation, all you have left is a heart even more exposed than it was. A heart that can only be mended by self healing. No one can help you. By giving yourself to another human being the whole is the size of the universe, and God just fills that with his living and healing water. Without him there is no healing. Of course the part that you gave to someone is never going to be perfectly the same; it's an imprint, a scar, a forever reminder of what was and what was lost. But that stitch is what keeps you going, keeps you learning, keeps you living. With out the scars of our lives we wouldn't be who we are. So, as I have finally begun the healing process, and have finally started getting over you... I realize that although it hurts, everything that happened is going to be sown up, a reminder... a learning tool. A love lost, and knowledge gained. I move on as best as I can, growing stronger through every stitch and through every restitch. And I thank you for what you've taught me, and what you have yet to teach me, and what I have and will teach you. I'll try not to undo the work of myself, and try not to ruin what we are now by trying to undo your stitches, and I let go you go... and let God.

The future has so much uncertainty, and the only one who I trust knows where we're going is that God who created love. He created the one who is meant for all of us. Just like Eve was made out of Adams rib, I was made from someone for someone, and you to find that someone who is for you made of you... and one day that person will be revealed and we will finally know what real love is and can be.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Whoo

Just had a great time at bible study,

i'm just soaking everything up...

it's great.

I love the group im in, and i'm so excited

to get more involved with the church and their activities.

How God has provided is just astounding.

i'm so grateful.

boys suck

and he's an ass whole....

wow

Every day I fall in love just a little bit more with my guy.

In that last post I was loosing optimistic and than I read a quote from the bible,

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand it's own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it was wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love NEVER gives up, NEVER loses faith, is ALWAYS hopeful, and ENDURES every circumstance." 1 Cor 13:4-7

And I got my optimism back and the guts to ask if he wanted in this... and he surprised me by saying yes. So once again I am awed by his amazingness.

the change

over this last weekend I decided to make a major change in my life,

I rededicated my life to the Lord.

And although my "best friend" has pretty much just ignored me this whole time

unless I was with my boyfriend, it's ok, cuz it shows that she can't be there for

me when I need her.

And my boyfriend is having the hardest time adjusting...

I decided to pledge abstinence again,

and he's not liking that concidering I used to give it up

a lot. And now he's getting non.

I'm actually completely devastated that this doesn't seem to look like it

will work out, because I love and care for him so much.

As for the other people in my life,

I started flocking towards those who know God.

God has completely made me want to be around them and fellowship with them.

I went to a bible study and it was great.

I think i'm going to church on Sunday.

And I stopped smoking for those of you who knew,

I was a stoner and had started on the slippery slope already.

This change is the biggest and the hardest I've done,

I'm still struggling.

In short, if you read this, which i'm pretty sure no one does, know that I need prayer for strength and self control.

Reality Show

if reality was as dramatic as reality shows

we wouldn't watch them.

And sometimes I feel like if a camara started following me around

people would never watch my show.

However,

other times I feel as though my life

could be creatively written into a soap opera.

Or a remake of Hamlet...

the "to be or not to be; that is the question" part

not the my Uncle is taking my thrown

and killed my father

and is trying to kill me

seeing the ghost of my murdered father part.

Is that the right plot?

who cares?

not me...

No DRAMA!

cut the crap

say it straight

be straight up...

NO DRAMA!

2009

As this year comes to an end I've had some time to look back and remember what happened over this long long year. And although there have been bad times for the majority the year has been great.

My new years was spent with good friends, and I believe my new years resolution was to loose weight. That one is a continued resolution every year. My other resolution was to find love. That one caused most of the drama in my life. Love is a wonderful thing that creates dimensions in life and allow for learning and happiness as well as an ocean of pain.

I found Clay again. A great friends a great boyfriend. Perfection in essence and in reality just one love. Head over heals in love until I tumbled down the hill into the mud. I screwed that one up again. I'm beginning to wonder if even with all the effort in the world if we could make it work. Maybe again, probably not. It's nice to dream.

I graduated from high school. Made it through a year of hell. Choir was life and when it ended I let it go. Those four years we're crazy and I am so glad their over.

I started college. Wow is it great. I love learning everything I can about music and I'm well on the way to getting my dream. Only 11 more months of college until I can really have it.

Partying. hahah that's a great subject. I like it a lot. But i know that I have to focus more on college than partying.

I'm dating a new guy now. God is he amazing. Jerry. He makes me laugh, he loves me, he treats me amazing. We've been dating for three months.He's too smart for his own good and he gives me so much crap for my blonde moments but who wouldn't. I miss him so much right now. I can't believe I'm not with him. It's weird.

I hope next year is better. Second semesters of school seem like they always bring hard times. A year of love, life, partying, school, and the ever closer dream.



Quote of the year;
"Keep moving forward."
Song of the year;
Another Heart Calls- All American Rejects
Inside joke of the year;
Bloop (consecutive winner)


So many things have changed in only five months. I wonder what the next 12 months have to bring. Guess I'll start seeing :)

Fucked Up

How can life be so fucked up when it come to you,
and so perfect when it come to him?

You make my life hell some times,
but i'll never blame you.

We're perfect in essence,
and reality shows us we're destined to always cross paths.

You'll always be there,
I'll always know you,
we'll always be us.

1st Semester of College

This semester has been crazy!!!
It was my first in college,
my first outta the house,
my first doing what ever i want.

And it was amazing!
The first month was really rocky with a break up and drama and getting used to school. But by the second life was running real smooth.

Learning everything I can about music was amazing too.
All my classes were crazy cool and exciting. And just so fun.

Relationships were crazy. I started off with a great friend and a great boyfriend, change that friend to another amazingly cool friend and ended with my amazing boyfriend.

Now it's Christmas break and i'm ready for next semester to start... after a little down time.

:)

This is why...

This is why we're not good for each other...

because we'll always be in separate stages of life...
we'll always love each other to much for our own goods...
we'll never find a way to make it work apart...
we'll always have each other and never know how to get rid of each other...
we'll always remember the feelings we got when we saw each other for the "first" time...
we'll never forget how we feel together...
we'll always try to find someone to fit into the holes that were left when it didn't work...
we'll always be jealous...
we'll never fully forget the hurtful things...
we'll always find that we were always better with each other...
and we'll always remember that night when we gave our full selves to each other.

So dysfunctional... and yet it felt so right.


But I have to move on... I can't drag you around like my favorite blanket when I was younger. I have to experience different things... than maybe just maybe we'll find each other like we did two and a half years ago when our lives fit together like a well fitted glove.

sleepy innocence

I happened to wake up this morning next to an amazing sight...
a wonderfully innocent thing.
Actually, more like an allusion of innocence because of the sweet peacefulness of sleep.
Every noticed that sleep alludes to innocence.
The look on their face, the way they look so vulnerable.
I think it's such an attractive sight.
If you can find this innocent thing I recommend taking a picture, because being able to see that all the time is a gift. ;p

head over heals

Have you ever looked up the definition of "head over heals". It's actually quite interest... it means "in disorderly haste". So, falling head over heals, is pretty much falling in love wit someone in a disorderly hasty way. I don't quite like that definition. Does that mean when you fall head over heals your more likely to get hurt because you aren't looking were your falling. Does it mean that your more likely to fall too hard... too fast. How do we know the right amount of speed to fall? Is there even a set speed of falling too fast or too slow? Should there be? Or should we gauge the speed by how fast the other person is falling too. I like that. I think falling head over heals is more like falling for someone at the same speed as the other or at least close. I like that. Because falling disorderly doesn't sound appetizing to me, doesn't sound safe, doesn't sound right.

2 months... that's the falling speed. :)

Deletion

It's weird when you are so connected to someone that the only way to even try to not think about them is to totally delete them from every day life. Phone number, facebook, myspace. That's when you know you really loved them, you really cared about them; when you can't get them out of your mind already so deleting them is the small effort to help you stop thinking of the "what ifs". Yeah... sucks.

Falling is a lot easier when there is a pillow to catch you

If I would have known I could fall so fast again I think I would have tried to slow down. This would be a lot better if I had a pillow to fall on.

Warm and Fuzzy Feeling

So last night I found out that I was so blinded by love when I first came here. I didn't even realize that someone new was noticing me. I now know that I wasn't sloppy seconds... that I was just the unattainable one. hmmm... I got a warm and fuzzy feeling

perfection

The web definition of perfection is: the state of being without a flaw or defect. So how can life ever be perfect. There is always a flaw or defect in life because there is always a flaw and deflect in people. So if my life perfect... not even close!

Days Like Today

Days like today remind me why I love New Mexico, why I love this campus, why I love my friends, and why I miss the others. What a day!

Running from Lions

Get me out of this place, before I cause more damage,
a small price to pay for building houses out of matchsticks;
and when things get too hot, you've got me to blame for,
every fire that breaks out in every lover's name, {so...}

Don't forget, we've got unfinished business,
stories yet to unfold,
tales that must be retold,
and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness,
keeps me wanting,
keeps me wanting more...

Sell me out I'm yesterday's old news,
phrases left on paper,
black ink bleeding through
the pages where we made our history.
Call me foolish,
I feel hopeless...

Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(Like a deer in the headlights)
Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(I won't know what hit me...)
Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake
(Like a deer in the headlights)
Running from lions, never felt like such a...
(I won't know what hit me...)

Don't forget, we've got unfinished business,
stories yet to unfold,
tales that must be retold,
and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness,
keeps me wanting,
keeps me wanting more...

Nostalgia

I've never had a day like today. Where you have two totally conflicting emotions because of coincidental occurrence. It's a confusing and weird feeling to be nostalgic and happy in the current place as well. Don't ask me how it happened that I should be nostalgic for a little more than four months ago and totally cool with where I am now, cuz if you asked me I wouldn't be able to tell you... I guess it's the bloody decisions in college that change your life forever. Still don't know if I've made the best, or really stupid decisions... but I hope it's almost time to figure it out.

cocoa puffs

have you ever just eating cocoa puffs and felt like everything was going to be ok? I just did. I had the weird feeling as the first ball of cocoa crispy hit my tongue that today was actually going to be a good day.
I've been struggling with the realization that every decision i make here really does effect my life. If I pick to take this class will it better me as a singer, if i date this guy or that guy, if I do or do not do something. Everything can change the course of my life. Whether I like this uncertainty or not i'm not sure.
I've been trying to rely on my rocks for guidance... Alyssa, my mom, my dad, Isha, Clay. But it seems like there's something missing, and although I know what it is, I still can't seem to let myself fully fall into His arms again. Maybe this is why so many people fall away during college. Because they feel the uncertainty of life and feel like God is not the person to put their trust in. Or maybe because they already fell away and life is just too uncertain to trust again.
All I know, is that the cocoa puffs I had this morning comforted me in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Lets just hope the sugar high will allow me to feel unconfused all day. :)